In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
