Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
