I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize