How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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