and i looked up. we had an audience...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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