Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
