dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
