did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
