either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
