Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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