dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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