I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
