Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
MIDGETS
????
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
