Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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