i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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