we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Randomize
