I wish you could order shots online.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
