I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
