Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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