You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
