apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
