Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
