Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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