I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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