low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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