the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My vagina is officially offended.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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