Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
