He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
