operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
even my farts smell like vagina
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
