: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
