She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
