i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Houston, we have a blender
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
