one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
