apparently the secret to your success is patron
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
This house was built for laser tag.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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