dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Pants 0. Shit 1.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
do herpes really smell.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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