I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
