It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
