how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
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Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
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If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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