those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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