Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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