I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
