Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
