these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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