Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
