Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
