I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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