My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
