So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
