Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
