I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
