I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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