i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
