i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
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No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
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Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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