I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
